Letting Christ Transform You From The Inside Out
It is my hope that the things shared here will help you realize that you aren't alone in your suffering. For various reasons I have left out some of the cruel statements made to me during this time. But, this was a very hurtful experience.
I was surprised to learn that I was pregnant. I hadn't planned for this just yet. Finding out that I was having twins was even more surprising. But, after praying to God and trusting in his will, I became very excited about this pregnancy.
I had been hospitalized twice during my first pregnancy, four years ago, and was not a stranger to having IVs in my arm for a week at a time. At that time, however, I had lots of support from my husband, parents and church family. Things were different this time. I had two small daughters (3-years old and 13-months old) who needed me and my mother's failing health made it impossible for her to be with me. I still had my church family and was so grateful for them. My husband, however, was angry at me for being pregnant. His sarcastic attitude made our household environment quite toxic. I felt like I had done something wrong and was being punished for it. I walked on eggshells.
He had scheduled to have his parents come for a visit. He had also planned to go away on business for a night or two while they were here. I was already having some minor contractions and some bleeding before their visit and my doctor told me to rest. My husband chose not to tell his parents about my condition. When they arrived, they were surprised that I needed to rest so much and felt overwhelmed with having to help care for my daughters. I don't think they actually believed I was pregnant. Some cruel words were also spoken to me. Again, I felt alone and blamed.
The night that my husband was away on business, I started bleeding a lot. I called one of the midwives and understood that I was possibly miscarrying one of the twins but that my condition was not life threatening and I should stay flat on my bed to prevent it from becoming so. However, I desperately needed some supplies from the drug store to help with the bleeding. My in-laws chose not to drive and get them for me, so I called someone from church to help. This made one of my in-laws angry with me. It was stated that my calling for help made them "look bad".
Over time, as I looked back over the many details surrounding this incident, I would use this experience to understand more of my husband's childhood issues that have interfered with his ability to have a healthy relationship with me. I would also learn about "boundaries" and "validation" and "emotional abuse". However, those words were not yet part of our vocabulary. While experiencing such neglect and apathy from both him and his parents, all I could do was cry out to God. WHERE ARE YOU GOD? WHY AM I ALL ALONE? AM I BEING PUNISHED FOr SOMETHING?
While I was praying and crying over the loss of my baby, I realized that I was grieving over the pain of the “potential relationship” we could have had.
Then my eyes and heart were opened. I realized that God was right there, holding my hand, showing me that he feels this pain too! He grieves over any human being who chooses to push Him away and "not" enter into a relationship with Him. He grieves over the "potential relationship" they could have had.
I don’t understand the emotional healing I experienced then, but I am so grateful for it. I no longer feel much pain when I look back at that experience. I see it as a place in my personal journey that led to a deeper understanding of spiritual things, especially God's heart for me.
EPILOGUE: Eventually an ultrasound would reveal no heartbeat. Thus, no living twin. I was hesitant to have them do a D&C until I was "sure" there was no possibility of life. After doing a D & C,my gynecologist discovered that my symptoms were the result of a molar pregnancy. A molar pregnancy is a noncancerous (benign) tumor that develops in the uterus. A molar pregnancy starts when an egg is fertilized, but instead of a normal, viable pregnancy resulting, the placenta develops into an abnormal mass of cysts. The embryo begins to develop but is malformed and can't survive. A molar pregnancy can have serious complications — including a rare form of cancer — and requires early treatment. It was a blessing that it was detected so early, as these types of pregnancies can become life-threatening, even leading to ecclampsia. If you ever watched Downton Abbey, you know what this is.
Many years after this event, I was fortunate to be able to understand how to approach the people who did not support me in my time of need. I was taught how to "speak the truth in love" to them, find resolution and offer forgiveness. In fact, I grew to really love my mother-in-law and even let her come and live with us for a while. We became very close. Speaking openly about this event with counselors also provided the fertile soil needed for my husband to gain a new perspective on life and on himself. He has been transformed over the years and is now ministering to men who struggle with some of the same behaviors and attitudes that kept him imprisoned in passive aggressive behavior and unable to experience a healthy marriage with me at that time.
As a result of all I had experienced, I pursued more in depth Bible Study on the topics of pain, suffering and God's emotions.
Here's what I learned: Where Is God In My Pain?