Notes from the book, The Emotionally Unavailable Man

Book:  The Emotionally Unavailable Man

1. Realize that, as an adult, I am no longer a victim. Getting to this point in life requires an “awakening”.

This takes understanding how you got to where you are and how to choose another path.

a. Acting out of a child ego state (due to subconscious childhood programming) has led to the following thinking:

b. Acting out of an adult ego state (happens when we reach the moment of awakening and realize we have a choice)

c. Comparison

Thinking Pattern Comparison: Child Ego vs. Adult Ego
Child EGO State: Victim stance Adult EGO State: Non-victim stance
I feel powerless I feel powerful
I don't have any options or choices I know I have choices and look for them
I "have to" RE-act; I "can't" RE-spond I "can be" PRO-active and can RE-spond
Defensive stance: "Not my fault!" Feel no need to defend; Able to own my part

d. Don’t let a 5-year old drive your car! Stop letting a child run (and ruin) your life.

e. Understand why you are choosing to continue to act out of your Child EGO identity?

It's Easier. – yes, because it was programmed into your brain.

You don’t know what else to do. - As a child you were truly deficient of tools, but now you have access to such tools as the following: Information, Healthy Role Models, Validation

You believe it won’t do any good to try anything different. – this type of thinking is what demotivates you to change. It comes from erroneous data you were taught as a child. You couldn’t be effective then because you actually didn’t have the right tools.
THINK OF WAYS YOU HAVE BEEN EFFECTIVE AS AN ADULT - This will motivate you to take new steps.

2. Recognize that I have God-designed needs  

Having needs is not weak.   Following are some of needs to consider.

3. Recognize that my decisions and behaviors have been fear-based 4. I need a voice – say what is on my mind, share my opinion, feel free to disagree respectfully. 5. I need boundaries - Developing Effective Boundaries: 6. Emotional Incest - if you are wondering if you have been a victim of this, here are some of the characteristics: